Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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