Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
