the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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