Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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