there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize