If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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