I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
