Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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