i jhust puked up my retainher.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
