Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
