For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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