So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
