did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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