Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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