Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I could have mohawked her pubes.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
