you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize