Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
