wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
