We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize