Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize