Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
