i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Someone came in the potted fern
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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