she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
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