the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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