You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize