I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
