Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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