i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Don't make out with my wife yet
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
