as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You dont lie about slip and slides
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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