Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Who died my cat blue again?
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
