Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
