An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
