M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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