Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
