You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
