none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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