Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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