I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
