So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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