I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
