M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize