I hate all girls vehemently.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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