I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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