My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Randomize
