totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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