He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
