U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
The ass gains better be worth it
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