life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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