I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
