Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I have aggressive nipples.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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