He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
