Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
"it" just moved
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
