If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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