mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
