Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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