we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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