He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Operation Purity has been aborted
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
