I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I could fuck to npr.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
